


it's not love, you say firmly. you're crying.

by Echoe



Category: Sweet Elite (Visual Novel)
Genre: Angst, F/F, One-Sided Attraction, POV Second Person, Songfic, Unrequited Love, i still don't know what tag im supposed to use so!!! have both!!!, man this song is good
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-06
Updated: 2020-06-06
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:15:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24570661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Echoe/pseuds/Echoe
Summary: If anyone asked if you were in love with Karolina, you would say that you weren't, even though you know that you are.It's just easier to pretend that you're not.
Relationships: Karolina Nováková/Scholar, Karolina/Scholar
Kudos: 11





	it's not love, you say firmly. you're crying.

**Author's Note:**

> (slaps roof of song) this bad boy can fit in so much angst!
> 
> song used : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gEdZFhCEjWI

If anyone asked if you were in love with Karolina, you would say that you weren't, even though you know that you are.  
It's just easier to pretend that you're not.

_Am I allowed_  
_To look at her like that?_  
_Could it be wrong_  
_When she's just so nice to look at?_

You can't help the staring, though.  
But, conveniently enough, it is common knowledge that she's physically attractive. So nobody finds it really odd. I mean, you might get teased about it from time to time, but no one is really going to look into it deeper than that. (Or so you think, anyway.)  
You can admire in peace.

_And she smells like lemongrass and sleep_  
_She tastes like apple juice and peach_  
_Oh, you would find her in a Polaroid picture_

You can get lost in her eyes while wondering how soft her hair is, and no one will comment on it.  
Well, Karolina probably will. But she'll think you just find her hot, like many others do. (And, to be perfectly honest, she wouldn't be entirely wrong.  
But you'll also look at her hands and think 'oh, she has really long fingers. I wonder how they'd feel intertwined with mine.'  
And you'll attempt to come up with a way to do just that, but will fail to find anything that's not incredibly weird, and you'll be so crestfallen that your friends will ask you what's wrong, and you'll have to try really hard to hide everything.  
And then not two minutes after, you'll think about pressing your lips to the back of her hand and imagine the surprised blush on her face, and you'll have to stop yourself from blushing too when Karolina tells you to snap out of it.)

_And she means everything to me, oh_

Although, while people might not catch onto your attraction for the model (but that's not the right word, is it? It's not just mere attraction-), they certainly notice how you've somehow become close enough to be considered friends.  
They notice because it's just so unexpected.  
You're a scholarship student, and everyone and their mother know what Karolina thinks about scholarship students.  
And yet they'll see you two together and realize that, somehow, she isn't scowling, and might even be smiling or, worse, _laughing_ with you.  
(And on other occasions they'll see you bickering and think, ah, that's more like it.  
But you never mean any of what you tell her in these moments. You just fight back because you know she likes it when you show some backbone.)

Some wonder what the hell happened to the model.  
Others, what you've done to get in her good graces.  
Most of your friends, who know more than they do, don't understand why you worked so hard to befriend her.

_I'd never tell_  
_No, I'd never say a word_  
_And oh, it aches_  
_But it feels oddly good to hurt_

You won't tell them that it's because you love her.  
You'll just tell them that you didn't want to be fighting her all the time, because it would be exhausting. You'd rather be friends.  
They won't believe you. Not entirely, at least. Sometimes, they'll try to push it, but you'll just shake your head and say that that's really it.  
And you'll say it so nonchalantly that they'll accept it, even if it will still not completely sit right with them.  
(You haven't realized it, but there's one person who knows of your feelings.  
Neha's just never commented on it, because she's not really sure what to do about it.  
She is a bit worried about you, though.  
She probably sees all the longing you're trying to bury so hard.  
She sees how your smile will morph into a thin line when you're all together and Tadashi shows up.)

_And she smells like lemongrass and sleep_  
_She tastes like apple juice and peach_  
_Oh, you would find her in a Polaroid picture_  
_And she means everything to me_

You like shopping with Karol.  
You don't enjoy shopping in itself, though. You rarely feel the need to buy more clothes, and going from shop to shop browsing and trying out clothes tires you out extremely quickly.  
But it's okay if it's with Karol, because she has so much fun when she's shopping.  
It might not be the most obvious thing, because sometimes she'll abruptly leave a shop because she didn't find what she wanted, and she'll be scowling, but you know that she isn't actually angry, and that it's just all part of the process really.  
So you're content with helping carry her bags and offering useless commentary when she tries out clothes (because let's be honest, all you can think is 'god she looks good in anything what the fuck'), if it means being able to see her smile triumphantly when she finds _just_ the right outfit.  
(You'd like to think that she enjoys the company, too.  
And you know she finds great entertainment in how flustered you get sometimes when she comes out of the fitting room.)

_And I'll be okay admiring from afar_  
_'Cause even when she's next to me_  
_We could not be more far apart_  
_And she tastes like birthday cake and storytime and fall_  
_But to her, I taste of nothing at all_

Once, you'd met Tadashi at the mall you'd been shopping at.  
Immediately, Karolina's attention had shifted.  
And, god, how you'd hated it.  
You'd hated how she'd tried to have him tag along, because you knew she'd wanted him to see her try out clothes.  
A painful reminder of the place you occupied in her heart.  
You had left, at the time. While they were talking, you had snuck away, preferring to go buy a slushee.  
(She hadn't even noticed that you were gone until after Tadashi had left.)

Loving someone who doesn't love you back is painful.  
Loving someone who doesn't love you back _and_ likes someone else is _hellish_.  
It makes you feel such ugly things.  
You think of Tadashi as a friend but, sometimes, you really, really hate the guy. He doesn't deserve it, but you do it anyway, because he always attracts all of Karolina's attention, and he doesn't even seem to care.  
(You hope he really is just that dense. You're going to go insane otherwise.)  
It also makes you feel pathetic, because you know you could never hope to compete with him.  
His existence makes your love seem so hopeless.

_And she smells like lemongrass and sleep_  
_She tastes like apple juice and peach_  
_Oh, you would find her in a Polaroid picture_

You wish you could fall out of love.  
At the beginning, you had tried to distance yourself from the model, in hope of extinguishing your feelings.  
But she consumed your every waking thought. You'd given up quickly.  
It was terrifying.  
No matter what you do, this fire never disappears. (Even your tears at night won't douse the flames.)  
You worry that one day, there'll be nothing left of you to burn.

_And she means everything to me_  
_Yes, she means everything to me_

You worry, but at the same time, you feel like you'd be okay with that.  
Because when you see her smile, you think it's the most beautiful thing you've ever seen, and you almost cry and grab her face and let a flow of incoherent praises pour out of your mouth.  
You love this woman so much.  
(One day, you'd like to tell someone, anyone, just to let out _some_ of your emotions.  
You have a lot pent up in there.)

"Anna, are you even listening to me?"  
"Oh, yeah, sorry Karol. Just got a bit distracted."

She rolls her eyes but resumes talking. You smile.  
(Maybe another time.)

_She means everything to me_

**Author's Note:**

> if there's one thing im good at, it's being sad over fictional characters


End file.
